If you say it - Mean it!

 October 2006

In today's hectic world parent are often looking for quick solutions to their parenting challenges. While most situations don't resolve themselves with quick fixes there are a few simple basic rules parents can follow that can keep them on the straight and narrow road to solid parenting skills. One of those rules is: If you say it - mean it.

What parent hasn't threatened variations of time out for the entire rest of the day, no dinner at all for the night or grounding for a month? When we react in anger and extreme threats to our children they know we're not going to follow through - we know we're not going to follow through. But, we are teaching them every day, in every way about who we are as people and as parents. And whether we like it or not, when we routinely say something extreme and then have to back track and tell them we're really not going to do that, we teach our children that they can't trust what we say.

Instead of the drama of the moment where we get so caught up in our anger and frustration (which is generally why we say extreme things) it is important to a) remember to take a breath and calm ourselves down so we can think properly and b) know that we don't always have to give a consequence immediately. We can let our child know that what they did is unacceptable and that we will let them know what they can do to make amends for their transgression. When we buy ourselves time to think we are much more likely to come up with a relevant solution and one that our follow through makes sense to us. When our child's consequence makes sense to us we're going to back it up and stick with it, no matter how much they whine and complain.

If you are going to bother to say something - mean it. Your follow through is much more important that what you even assign as the child's solution. If your child comes to learn that if you say something (positive or negative) and you mean it - you are building trust. Trust that you are a person of integrity who can be taken seriously and counted on to do what they say.

This is the kind of parenting solution that you can implement immediately. Your follow through is key. But you need to know that while you may be committed to this change, your child will take time to get used to the "new you". If you have been the kind of parent who says "No." and receives "Oh please?!", "No.", "Pleeeeease?", "NO!", "I hate you...", "OK". Then you have been teaching your child that the more they escalate their behavior and bug you, eventually you will give in to their demands so all they have to do is wait you out, continue to bug or cry or scream because eventually you've proven that you'll let them have their way. So once you change your ways, they won't believe it. You will need to be strong in your new parenting rule because you are teaching them about the "new you" so they will have to unlearn the old way. Only by sticking to your position because (See a & b above) you've calmly bought yourself time to think through a relevant consequence so your child will know that you now mean what you say. They will eventually learn that you truly mean what you say and they will stop challenging you. (That's not to say they won't find a new way to challenge you but at least it won't be about this issue!)

While this can seem to take a lot of work at first, because they will resist it so much, in the long run you and your child will really benefit. It will add to those feelings of trust and therefore security, will reduce whining. Hey, then you can move on to other parenting rules!

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